Admiral Cat Turd's Two Four Won Special

Really Yesterday's Article But I Forgot Because I Was Stoned Out Of My Knee™

"You want to know about Harvey? Harvey was a recluse, he was overweight, and he would throw up quarters in the air to groups of kids just to make friends, and then that recess monitor would dig the quarters out of the sewer drain in between periods and someone would be guarding the drinking fountain and I remember that the female PE aid could look into...
"So sure, I used to watch Miami Vice on Friday nights, well, I would video tape them. Larry Broilers sold me his cousin's lock picking set for ten dollars and half of it I paid in nickels, I think I borrowerd some of the money from my best friend, this was when I was in sixth grade and I first started playing with computers and we made these little sling shots made out of coat hangers and would fire little pellets around the room in order to drive her or him crazy in order to get a good grade on the timed arithmatec tests. It's funny when you first learn that you can't do something as well as the other kids.
"Actually what do I know, I'm just a weed smoking orangutang."

The real July 25th, 1997 Piece of Shit article.

If only I could have started sooner. I wouldn't be sitting here in front of the keyboard staring at an ape with a pipe photoshopped in his mouth. I could be sleeping, waking up in an hour to goto work. I could have been a lawyer, a doctor, anything but I choose to stare at this white field and try to carve a piece of my brain from nothing. And you may laugh because you have a job and you are successful or maybe you arent. Anyway, I just like being awake at five in the morning. Who cares? I do. Fart.