I sat in my office all day, probably talking to myself. I have a bad habit of talking to myself out loud when my mind is processing a problem. I remember once at a Junior High School dance, with my first quote unquote girlfriend, who liked me because I looked like someone from Depeche Mode and that was the basis of our relationship. Well to make a long story short, we went to the big junior high dance and slow danced every dance. It was great except for the fact that I had to constantly re-adjust my boner, and I would not stop talking when we were dancing. What was I talking about, shit all I can hope is that they were sweet nothings, but the truth is that I was speaking in tongues. Does it get more embarrassing than that? Yes.

Anyway, I sat in my office all day. Had a normal lunch. Was about to leave, when she attacked me. She shut my door and her mouth was on mine like I had never imagined. This was no nice girl. This was a tiger in sheeps clothing. Well that answered that question. Yes she did like me. And then she left. Wow. Now I knew I was getting somewhere, but this was a Monday and I knew we would not be going out until the weekend, or at the earliest, Thursday night. I don’t think she had class on Friday. I tried calling her that night. But she wasn’t around. She must have been studying, or maybe it was the ex-boyfriend. There was no way of knowing, so I staked out her apartment to see who she came home with. This would be the tell all of tell alls. If she came home alone, she was studying, if with her ex boyfriend, I would be crushed. She came home alone.

Its funny how I seem to get less patient as I get older. I think it’s a trait of being 30. I know I will be more patient as I grow really old and wise. But now I just think I’m getting smarter and not wiser, which are two different things. The other guys were doing all right too. They had started a serious dating cycle with the girls they were after. Though they seemed way more stable than me. I was jealous. My relationship was going at a snails pace. At least that’s what it seemed.

Well that weekend came and we had a great time, kissing, holding, heavy petting. Then she had to go home. We held hands the whole ride home. I let my boner drive. But when we said goodnight, there was no kiss. What could this mean. Well for one, I saw her ex-boyfriends car on the street.

I called her the next day, but we couldn’t get together. She had to study. Hey, she was a college girl. I didn’t beat off thinking about her, if that’s what you’re thinking.

You’re probably wondering about the other chumps and how their relationships ended up. I can tell you that they were filled with their fair share of heartache. Wolf had attracted his chick, though as is customary, she was still yearning over her old boyfriend. At leas from what I had heard, I was spending less and less time with them and more time with my girl. Gus was dating a nymphomaniac. Good for him. Humpin’s where the heart is. They were humpin all over the place. Best of all, on Rat Fuks desk, blasting wads behind his filing cabinet. Oh yeah, what was Rat Fuk doing during this time. Just being a total dick is all. We got plenty of shit during work. Them more than me of course. Since they were living with him, and I didn’t let him get his hooks into me. The manipulating fuck rodent.

Well a month later, I left Rat Fuker's business to start a business of my own, brought my new love with me and we've been together ever since. Time to get stoned.  

      Gratz meef,
            Reverend Speefnarkle