RIP FATS NOT WAR
Bartender turns the light on in the bar and gets everything
ready. He neatens up the place.
A seaman comes in with a navy pea coat and a knit cap.
God damn. What a day at the docks.
You guys unload any scrod?
Nope. Give me a Speefnarkle.
Bartender pours out a dual wild turkey on the rocks.
Seaman swigs it down. Aside to the bartender.
Say sport, you know where I could
score some muskrat?
Not with the owner around.
He nods over to the side of the stage, when a nice looking
lady walks up. She's the bar owner.
You got your drink, now order
another one or I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.
I was about to leave on my own
cognizance mam, and I think I'll do
so right now.
Seaman walks out of the bar.
I'm not sure if the Hard Sell is
It has to work. I put all the money
from last weeks profits into the
Including my paycheck.
Zorf. How much money do you make
off tips each night?
Not enough to keep the monkey off
If tonight doesn't pay off, I'm
gonna be borrowing that monkey or
else its back to the crack pipe.
When's this war gonna end?
Your guess is as good as mine. I
heard hes got a 67% approval
rating. Meaning we better get used
to this cause It's probably gonna
be another six years.
A couple plumbers walk into the bar. Owner goes over to greet
them and entice them to spend.
Evening buckmasters. Hard day on
the rigs. What can I get for you.
What you got thats dark.
We got Tarhole on tap. If you like
a more wheaty taste we got
Scatblast Ale. And we got just
about every bottled beer ever made.
Oh. And we have well drinks. The
special tonight is Speefnarkle.
Give me a Speefnarkle with a beer
That will do for me too.
Owner walks back to bartender.
Light shifts to plumbers.
I haven't seen that many eight
plugs since Super Bowl Twenty
Its this war. People seem to have a
lot of pent up nervousness. An
unease about their social standing.
They say a lot of us are one
paycheck away from homelessness.
I believe that. And yet housing
cost keeps skyrocketing. Means a
lot of people are renting. Means a
lot of people cant afford to
upgrade their plumbing. Means more
work for us.
That and the fact that people are
eating more than ever. We are
sitting on a gold mine. Man thanks
for showing me that ad in the back
of Grogan Blaster.
My pleasure brother.
They high five.
A cute girl walks into the bar and sits near the Bartender.
Am I lucky to be here. Do you have
a pay phone?
Sure do. Its over there in the
corner. What can I get you.
You have Greasy Jensen?
We keep it behind the bar.
Gimme a Greaseball and some
She hands Bartender a dollar bill. He hands her some quarters
as she goes off to use the phone. Bartender fixes a drink
while she is on the phone.
Hey babe. Yeah I'm here.(beat) No.
They're not here yet.
Naw its all gristle missile. You
want to meet someplace else?
Trying to be fasionably late?
You should come down anyway. They
All right. See you in a bit.
Crungetta heads back to the bar. Bartender serves her the
Greaseball. She takes a sip and then spits it out.
Crap. What did you put in there?
You asked for a Greaseball. We make
them strong here.
I guess so.
(aside to bartender)
Listen I got a friend visiting from
out of town and I want to make this
a special night.
You got any muskrat?
Yeah I can get you some. How many
will there be.
How much does he want?
Well its not gonna be his first
time. I don't know
The Owner notices this and walks over.
Is everything all right here.
Yeah its fine. She's looking for
Its for a friend. He's visiting
from out of town.
How much money does he have?
I'm getting it for him as a
Well shit then. Why didn't you say
so. Zorf will set him up with one
on the house.
Well he'll probably need more than
Owner gets pissed.
Listen. You don't walk into my bar
and ask for muskrat and expect
everyone to just break down and
pull a turkey from a cats butt. I
wouldn't do that at your house.
Thank you. I think I'll take my
business else where.
Crungetta walks out. Owner calms down.
Wheres my lithium.
Owner uses a medicated breathalizer. And a huge fart rips
into her mouth.
You've gotta watch what you promise
to these people. You're practically
throwing them out with this Hard
Sell business. People don't come to
bars to be sold. They come to have
a drink. Unwind. Relax. Hang out.
Smoke a cigarette, listen to some
good music, watch the people and
socialize. The last thing they need
is someone queefing down their
I know. I know. She wasn't gonna
spend any money anyway. One drink
Yeah. But chicks attract guys. The
more chicks there are, the more
guys will want to be here.
Buying them drinks. Puttin money in
Pissin all over the toilet seat.
So whats your solution?
Thats it. I'm giving up. I wasn't
cut out for this ownership thing.
If Herald hadn't gone to war, this
whole place never would have
This place can make money. You just
have to let it breathe by itself.
The people will come. And their
money will come. Why don't I make
you a Kermes frass catcher so you
Bartender fixes her up a drink and she relaxes in the corner.
A dumptruck crashes through the front wall and empties 50
tons of lizard tits on the floor.
Who ordered the lizard tits?