RIP FATS NOT WAR



               INT. BAR

               Bartender turns the light on in the bar and gets everything
               ready. He neatens up the place.

               A seaman comes in with a navy pea coat and a knit cap.

                                   SEAMAN
                         God damn. What a day at the docks.

                                   BARTENDER
                         You guys unload any scrod?

                                   SEAMAN
                         Nope. Give me a Speefnarkle.

               Bartender pours out a dual wild turkey on the rocks.

               Seaman swigs it down. Aside to the bartender.

                                   SEAMAN (cont'd)
                         Say sport, you know where I could
                         score some muskrat?

                                   BARTENDER
                         Not with the owner around.

               He nods over to the side of the stage, when a nice looking
               lady walks up. She's the bar owner.

                                   OWNER
                         You got your drink, now order
                         another one or I'm gonna have to
                         ask you to leave.

                                   SEAMAN
                         I was about to leave on my own
                         cognizance mam, and I think I'll do
                         so right now.

               Seaman walks out of the bar.

                                   BARTENDER
                         I'm not sure if the Hard Sell is
                         working.

                                   OWNER
                         It has to work. I put all the money
                         from last weeks profits into the
                         ad.

                                   BARTENDER
                         Including my paycheck.

                                   OWNER
                         Zorf. How much money do you make
                         off tips each night?

                                   BARTENDER
                         Not enough to keep the monkey off
                         my back.

                                   OWNER
                         If tonight doesn't pay off, I'm
                         gonna be borrowing that monkey or
                         else its back to the crack pipe.
                         When's this war gonna end?

                                   BARTENDER
                         Your guess is as good as mine. I
                         heard hes got a 67% approval
                         rating. Meaning we better get used
                         to this cause It's probably gonna
                         be another six years.

               A couple plumbers walk into the bar. Owner goes over to greet
               them and entice them to spend.

                                   OWNER
                         Evening buckmasters. Hard day on
                         the rigs. What can I get for you.

                                   PLUMBER 1
                         What you got thats dark.

                                   OWNER
                         We got Tarhole on tap. If you like
                         a more wheaty taste we got
                         Scatblast Ale. And we got just
                         about every bottled beer ever made.
                         Oh. And we have well drinks. The
                         special tonight is Speefnarkle.

                                   PLUMBER 1
                         Give me a Speefnarkle with a beer
                         back.

                                   PLUMBER 2
                         That will do for me too.

               Owner walks back to bartender.

                                   OWNER
                         Two..

                                   BARTENDER
                         I heard.

               Light shifts to plumbers.

                                   PLUMBER 1
                         I haven't seen that many eight
                         plugs since Super Bowl Twenty
                         Three.

                                   PLUMBER 2
                         Its this war. People seem to have a
                         lot of pent up nervousness. An
                         unease about their social standing.
                         They say a lot of us are one
                         paycheck away from homelessness.

                                   PLUMBER 1
                         I believe that. And yet housing
                         cost keeps skyrocketing. Means a
                         lot of people are renting. Means a
                         lot of people cant afford to
                         upgrade their plumbing. Means more
                         work for us.

                                   PLUMBER 2
                         That and the fact that people are
                         eating more than ever. We are
                         sitting on a gold mine. Man thanks
                         for showing me that ad in the back
                         of Grogan Blaster.

                                   PLUMBER 1
                         My pleasure brother.

               They high five.

               A cute girl walks into the bar and sits near the Bartender.

                                   BARTENDER
                         Evenin mam.

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         Am I lucky to be here. Do you have
                         a pay phone?

                                   BARTENDER
                         Sure do. Its over there in the
                         corner. What can I get you.

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         You have Greasy Jensen?

                                   BARTENDER
                         We keep it behind the bar.

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         Gimme a Greaseball and some
                         quarters please.

               She hands Bartender a dollar bill. He hands her some quarters
               as she goes off to use the phone. Bartender fixes a drink
               while she is on the phone.

                                   CRUNGETTA (CONT'D)                               
                             (on phone)
                         Hey babe. Yeah I'm here.(beat) No.
                         They're not here yet.
                             (beat)
                         Naw its all gristle missile. You
                         want to meet someplace else?
                             (beat)
                         Trying to be fasionably late?
                             (beat)
                         You should come down anyway. They
                         got Speefnarkle.
                             (beat)
                         All right. See you in a bit.

               Crungetta heads back to the bar. Bartender serves her the
               Greaseball. She takes a sip and then spits it out.

                                   CRUNGETTA (cont'd)
                         Crap. What did you put in there?

                                   BARTENDER
                             (defensively)
                         You asked for a Greaseball. We make
                         them strong here.

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         I guess so.
                             (aside to bartender)
                         Listen I got a friend visiting from
                         out of town and I want to make this
                         a special night.

                                   BARTENDER
                         Uh huh.

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         You got any muskrat?

                                   BARTENDER
                         Yeah I can get you some. How many
                         will there be.

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         Just one.

                                   BARTENDER
                         How much does he want?

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         Well its not gonna be his first
                         time. I don't know

               The Owner notices this and walks over.

                                   OWNER
                         Is everything all right here.

                                   BARTENDER
                         Yeah its fine. She's looking for
                         some muskrat.

                                   OWNER
                         For you?

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         Its for a friend. He's visiting
                         from out of town.

                                   OWNER
                         How much money does he have?

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         I'm getting it for him as a
                         surprise.

                                   OWNER
                         Well shit then. Why didn't you say
                         so. Zorf will set him up with one
                         on the house.

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         Well he'll probably need more than
                         one.

               Owner gets pissed.

                                   OWNER
                         Listen. You don't walk into my bar
                         and ask for muskrat and expect
                         everyone to just break down and
                         pull a turkey from a cats butt. I
                         wouldn't do that at your house.

                                   CRUNGETTA
                         Thank you. I think I'll take my
                         business else where.

               Crungetta walks out. Owner calms down.

                                   OWNER
                         Wheres my lithium.

               Owner uses a medicated breathalizer. And a huge fart rips
               into her mouth.

                                   BARTENDER
                         You've gotta watch what you promise
                         to these people. You're practically
                         throwing them out with this Hard
                         Sell business. People don't come to
                         bars to be sold. They come to have
                         a drink. Unwind. Relax. Hang out.
                         Smoke a cigarette, listen to some
                         good music, watch the people and
                         socialize. The last thing they need
                         is someone queefing down their
                         neck.

                                   OWNER
                         I know. I know. She wasn't gonna
                         spend any money anyway. One drink
                         lightweight.

                                   BARTENDER
                         Yeah. But chicks attract guys. The
                         more chicks there are, the more
                         guys will want to be here.
                             (beat)
                         Buying them drinks. Puttin money in
                         the jukebox.

                                   OWNER
                         Pissin all over the toilet seat.

                                   BARTENDER
                         So whats your solution?

                                   OWNER
                         Thats it. I'm giving up. I wasn't
                         cut out for this ownership thing.
                         If Herald hadn't gone to war, this
                         whole place never would have
                         happened.

                                   BARTENDER
                         This place can make money. You just
                         have to let it breathe by itself.
                         The people will come. And their
                         money will come. Why don't I make
                         you a Kermes frass catcher so you
                         can relax.  

                                   OWNER
                         Yeah.

               Bartender fixes her up a drink and she relaxes in the corner.

               A dumptruck crashes through the front wall and empties 50
               tons of lizard tits on the floor.

                                   BARTENDER
                         Who ordered the lizard tits?

      Gratz meef,
            Reverend Speefnarkle

01.17.2003

  

speef@dreamscan.com