It was a powerful feeling. J.C. had never killed another human being before. He crouched over the body and ran his hands through the blood. He smeared a little bit on the guys face and then stood up.
"Let that be a lesson to you. Next time you or your brothers try to steal my chickens, you best be armed," he said and walked away.
The body laid there for a week before J.C. came back and buried it under the chicken coop.
The real estate appraiser came back into the house and told J.C. the good news. The house was worth a shitload should he decide to put it on the market. In fact at the rate they are building in the area, the place could probably be sold within a couple days. J.C. asked if he should clean it up and repaint it. The appraiser said not to bother. It had a real old-farmhouse charm.
Ten days later the house was sold and J.C. was moving out. He had packed everything into a rented moving van. After he put his chickens in the passenger seat he remembered the body. He turned to his favorite chicken.
“What do you think Jarvis?” he said.
“About the body? It will be fine,” said the chicken, “I made sure to crap on it every other day.”
“Thanks buddy, you’re always looking out for me. Remind me to put a couple of crack rocks in your feed tomorrow.”
“I could actually use a couple right now, if you don’t mind. Its a pretty long ride.”
“You need a puff, brother?”
“Does an elf have three dicks?” said the chicken.
J.C. loaded up his crack pipe with his last rocks. The chicken powered them down and passed the pipe back. J.C. finished it up and then hid it under the seat.
“Remind me to stop by Hank before we get on the freeway,” said J.C.
“Are you kidding. As soon as this buzz wears off I’m gonna be fiending.”
They backed up out of the driveway and J.C. hit the gas.
The next morning Smitty and Janice moved in.
“I love it Smitty!” yelled Janice. “It’s everything we always talked about. I’m gonna paint the shed, we can grow marijuana in there. I’m gonna plant a garden too. What do you think about growing lavender? Where is the nearest home improvement center?”
“One thing at a time hon. We got a bit of cleaning up to do still. Why don’t we invite your brother and his wife over for dinner and they can help us unpack.”
“That sack of turds,” said Janice, “I don’t want him over here yet. Not until I take inventory of what we have.”
“You honestly think he’s gonna steal our stuff?”
“He’s done it before.”
“That’s when you were kids. He’s probably grown out of that by now.”
“What about when he stole your speakers.”
“He didn’t steal my speakers, he took the cones out and switched them with his shitty ones. He put them back.”
“Whatever, that’s still stealing.”
“Yeah you’re right. Forget it. I want to check this place out again. I only saw it once when the realtor was with me.”
They walked out into the backyard.
“A chicken coop. How cool,” said Janice.
“Yeah. Fresh eggs every day. What do you think about that.”
“I think we’ll get sick of them.”
“We can give them to the neighbors, or we can throw them at the skunks.”
“Thats funny Smitty.”
“You want to make love in the chicken coop?” said Smitty.
“Hell no, that thing is unclean.”
“You’ve never wanted to make love in the hay? An old fashioned roll in the hay like in the movies.”
“No, but I’ll go for it in the daisies.”
Smitty and Janice cornholed in the flowers until the sun went down. They returned to the house and cleaned the kitchen. Janice cleaned behind the refrigerator. She found a scrap of paper with a checklist on it.
1) Break down ML
2) Body under coop
3) Guns in attic
4) Finish ticket
Smitty walked over to check it out.
“What’s that? It looks like a list.”
“Yeah what do you think ML is?”
“Body under coop doesn’t sound too healthy,” said Smitty.
“What do you think we should do?”
“It could be nothing. I’ll check it out in the morning.”
“Smitty. I don’t like this. Who lived here?”
“I don’t know? Some hick I’m guessing.”
“OK. Some small town person. They all have guns. It may be a dog that he buried or something. These people are real sentimental about their pets.”
“Lets go look.”
“Are you out of your mind?”
“It’s our house now.”
“Fine. Where did we pack the flashlight?”
“Get the one in the trunk.”
Smitty went out to the car and pulled out the flashlight and the tire iron. He went back into the house.
“Unpack one of the big kitchen knives,” he said. Janice pulled out the boner and they walked out the back door.
They unlocked the coop and there was a man’s head sitting in one of the chicken nests.
“Oh excuse me,” it said, “do you know where my friends have gone?”
Janice screamed and threw the knife at the head. It stuck into its ear.
“God damn lady! Can’t a guy ask a simple question?”
“What the fuk are you doing in my chicken coop?” said Smitty.
“Trying to get laid, what does it look like?” said the head.