Henry waited until she got into her car. She was pretty for her age, though that wasn’t Henry’s main motivation. He was attracted to her because of her money. She grew up in the house behind him, though then had never officially met until that night. As she pulled out of the parking lot, Henry started pedaling his bike. When she was at just the right spot, Henry crashed on his bike right in front of her.
“Holy shitfire!” Henry yelled and started kicking his bike tire. “You fukin slimy piece of goddam shitfuck piece of crapdick firetit fukpile of shit. I should throw you off a cliff and shoot you.”
“Are you alright?” she asked.
“Yeah. This fukin bike is always pulling stunts like this. I have never seen such a stubborn piece of scrap metal. Well its gonna take three hours to get home now.”
“Where do you live?”
“Really far, do you know where the Jenkins farm is?”
“You live out there?”
“Farther. I’ll call my cousin. Hopefully he’s not jacked up on hornet killer.”
“Let me give you a ride home.”
“Are you sure, its pretty far. That would be fukin tits if you did.”
“What do you mean tits?”
“It means good. Dandy. Swell. Keen. Sporting. Speaking of which I’m sporting a rig right now.”
“You guys with your slang. Put the bike in the trunk, I’ll give you a ride.”
“Thank you. I’ll never forget this act of kindness.” Henry heaved the bike into the trunk and stepped into the vehicle.
They drove for a while and then she stopped the car.
“What’s the matter.”
“I just remember where I saw you,” she said.
“What do you mean.”
“Don’t you live behind me? Aren’t you Parkey’s brother?”
“Aren’t you the one that used to spy on me when I was skinny dipping with the soccer team.”
“Aren’t you the kid that used to yell ‘I’m gonna cornhole you Mrs. Heatrix’ over the fence while you flung dog turds into my pool.”
“So what are we really doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well are you gonna try to cornhole me?”
“I can’t believe you asked me that.”
“It seems like a legitimate question since I don’t think you live all the way out here.”
“Just take me home would you. I’m another fifteen miles up the road unless you want to let me out here.”
“Now hold on. This was just getting interesting. Listen Henry, have you ever smoked cannabis?”
“You mean marijuana right? Of course, I power at least twelve bongloads every day.”
“Do you know how to roll blunts?”
“I don’t smoke a lot of joints or blunts but I have rolled them.”
“Why don’t you roll one up and we’ll hot box this thing.”
“I really should get home.”
“What are you afraid of? Looks like your better half is interested.” She pointed down to Henry’s weasel.
“Oh Senior Lorax. He’s just got nervous energy.”
“Well Senior Lorax, you gonna let your buddy here chicken out?”
Senior Lorax pushed his way out of Henry’s pants and jumped onto the dash board. Mrs. Heatrix passed it a lit cigarette. Henry rolled up a blunt and sparked it up.
“Jeezus. What’s in this grass?”
“You mean from a nuclear power plant?”
“Yeah my family owns a couple of them,” she said.
“Tits. I mean it tastes good. I heard you get a headache from..”
“From nuclear waste? No. Its perfectly harmless. Gives you that mellow buzz that you’re feeling.”
“I’m not feeling any mellow buzz.”
“You fukin pussy,” said Henry’s dick, “YOU FUKIN PUSSY!” Then it started laughing.
“Theres no need to laugh youngster,” she said “Henry’s just going through a little mental adjustment. Henry pass the blunt please.”
Henry passed the blunt over to her and she passed it to Senior Lorax. “After you.”
Senior Lorax took one puff, went limp, and fell onto the floor.
Mrs. Heatrix slowly unbuttoned her blouse and pulled off her bra. “Hows this Henry?”
Henry stared at her left nipple. “I can’t complain.”
“Is the cannabis affecting you yet?” She pulled her tits out of their socket and attached them to the cieling.
“Yeah, that nuclear waste really makes me mellow.”
“I knew you’d like it. Everyone that tries is loves it. Now shall we get down to business?”
“What business is that?”
“Who said anything about cornholin’. I just want to get home.”
“Henry, we both know thats not why you’re here.” She unbuttoned her pants and slid them off her ankles.
“I know Henry. I feel the same way. You must get awful lonely all the way out here.”
“I don’t really live out here. I was gonna take you to this grain silo and seduce you.”
“Thats an awfully bland word for cornholin’” Mrs. Heatrix reached down between her legs and pulled out her vagina and threw it into the back seat. She motioned to Henry.
“What, you want me to get back there?”
“No stupid, the Lorax.”
“My dick. No way. I don’t know where that things been,” said Henry.
“Fine.” Mrs. Heatrix grabbed Senior Lorax off the ground and threw it into the back seat. It perked to life with a subsonic hum. “Senior Lorax, meet Carlotta. Show him who’s boss Carlotta.”
The viagina started popping up and down on the bearskin seat cover. The wang started climbing up to the headrest.
“Wait.” Mrs. Heatrix pulled her butthole out and placed it on the rear speaker. She put in her Falco tape and turned up the bass. The butthole started spinning and jumped down next to the vagina. The wang made it onto the headrest and then began to pulsate with the music.
“Thats enough,” said Henry, “If you want to humiliate yourself, you go ahead, but I’m not gonna watch this circus.”
“Harry, don’t be such a spoil sport,” said Mrs. Heatrix.
The wang took a big breath and jumped off the headrest toward the vagina. This pissed off the butthole. It pulled out a dart gun and shot three darts into the dickhead. The vagina slid down into the seat crack and crawled into the trunk.
Henry grabbed his dick and threw the darts out the window. He put it back in his pants. “Can we go now?”