It was obvious. We were fucked. Our bad luck started forty eight hours ago when Lithium Jim decided that we should rob a house. We were fukin cruizin on our BMX bikes, poppin wheelees, bunny-hopping curbs, kicking-out our back tires when we heard a scream. I stopped and looked through a crack in the fence. There was a nude woman in her backyard doing yoga on the back of an aardvark. I pulled out my trusty blowgun and loaded it up with a stun dart. Lithium told me to hang on so he could check out the nude. We chilled and stared at her glorious teats. Then after a bit she went inside. The aardvark took a dump into the swimming pool and then went to sleep in its little house. We climbed the trees overlooking the property and waited for something to happen.
After an hour of watching through the windows, the lady got dressed and then headed out to her garage. She got in her Mercedes and took off. That's when Lithium Jim decided that we needed to rob the place.
"Let's try to sneak into the house. Nobody's home," said Lithium.
"No way man. What if we get caught?" I said.
"Bro. We're ninjas man."
"How long do you think she'll be gone? What if there's an alarm?"
"There's no alarm. She didn't do anything special when she left."
Lithium loaded up his stunner dart into his blowgun and we walked along the fence to the back roof. The aardvark was fast asleep.
I took out my ninja tanto and popped the lock on the bedroom window. It was easy. Lithium pulled off the screen and slowly stepped into the room. My heart was pounding with the adrenaline.
We opened the closet door and ruffled through the junk. There was nothing cool. We opened the door and went into the main bedroom. I checked under the mattress for money and found nothing. Lithium jumped up and down because he found a pistol in a sheepskin case. It was Browning Hi-Power and it had bullets. We were so fukin stoked that we took off back out the window.
We rode our bikes back to our ninja cave and pulled out our prize. This was big news. This meant that we would have some serious assault power. Sure, traditional ninjas didn't use guns, but we were going modern. Our possibilities for missions had now increased by a factor of a thousand.
I set up a target made of phone books and a cantaloupe. Lithium put a wig on it and we took turns firing bullets into it. It was so fun that we went through all our bullets. Shit. Where were we gonna get more? A gun shop? Not at age twelve.
We rode our fukin BMX bikes to Alex’s house. He was in my Spanish class. He always bragged about being able to buy triple-burst machine guns and stuff like that. I tried to buy an automatic BB gun from him once but it never materialized. We needed bullets this time. Surely he could get some. So we knocked on his door and he invited us in. He introduced us to his brother Russell. Russell was the one who had the connections. He knew lots of gangsters from Los Angeles. Both Bloods and Crips. Cool, I thought, this guy will get us the goods.
“What kind of bullets do you need?” asked Russell.
“Hollowpoints for a Browning Hi-Power,” I said.
“What size is that?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Do you have the gun with you?” he said.
I pulled the gun out of my backpack and handed it to him.
“Don’t dry fire it,” I said.
Russell pointed the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger. “This is a sweet gun. How much do you want for it?”
“We ain’t selling it,” said Lithium Jim.
“Well then I guess it’s free then,” said Russell, tucking it into his pants.
“For fuk it isn’t, give me back my gun,” I said. The push dagger in my sleeve was ready to jump into action.
“What are you doing with a gun like this? Gonna kill someone?” said Russell.
“Maybe,” I said. “We might rob a liquor store.”
Russell handed back the gun. “I was just kidding around. Let me know though if you want to sell it. I know someone that might want it.”
“Sure,” I said. I put the gun back into the backpack. “We gotta go.”
“What about the bullets?” said Alex.
“We don’t need them anymore,” I said. Lithium and I walked out the door.
“See ya pussies!” yelled Russell as we got on our bikes.
Lithium and I rode to the corner and then ditched our bikes.
“You go in through the back door,” I said, “and I’ll pick the lock on the side garage door.” We put on our camouflage ninja masks and moved toward Alex’s house. Lithium jumped over the fence and ran through the back yards. I crawled along the front yards until I was near the side gate. I whistled like a bird and hopped the fence.
Lithium was at the back corner of the yard. I worked on the lock and couldn’t get it open. I tried again with a snap pick. Nothing. I slid on the ground toward Lithium. We were gonna go for a back door assault.
Suddenly the side garage door opened and smoke came out. Russell stepped out and dumped water out of a tube into the bushes. It smelled like a skunk. Lithium’s eyes lit up. Marijuana! Lithium had smoked marijuana with some friend in his school. I had never tried the stuff, but I knew it was cool.
We waited until Russell went back in and then moved over to the side garage door. This time it was unlocked. I eased it open and slipped a mirror inside. I looked into the reflection. Russell was passed out on a couch. Alex wasn’t anywhere. Lithium tiptoed inside and I followed him. There was a bong on a table with an ashtray, a Hustler magazine and a bag full of herbs. Lithium grabbed the bag and ran for the door. I pulled out a ninja star and speared it into the magazine, right between some hot chick’s tits.
We ran to our bikes and booked out of there to our ninja tree house. Lithium Jim rolled a joint in some notebook paper and we hotboxed the tree house the rest of the afternoon.