"Zaxxxor you miserable ox felcher. If I catch you near my spellbook again, I'll fry your nuts off with a blast from my Cudgel of Necrosis!" Ralph rolled the twenty sided dice and prepared to inflict some damage points.
Walter shifted around in his seat. His prized hobgoblin-thief Zaxxxor was down to five life points. One more hit and he would need a room full of level twelve clerics to bring him back alive.
Ralph rolled again. His mighty mage, Ladros Ferramundo, blasted Zaxxxor in the cornhole with a Salad Toss of Utter Demise. Fifteen damage points! Zaxxxor was dead.
Walter jumped out of his chair onto Ralph and started banging his head into the table.
“You didn’t have to kill him. You didn’t have to kill him.”
Jerry, the dungeon master, pulled out his fighting net and threw it over Walter. “Get off of him you fukin animal. The game’s over for today.”
Walter ripped the net off. He and Ralph jumped onto Jerry and started banging his head against the sofa.
“The game’s not over until we get to the time portal,” said Ralph. “I was gonna cast a health spell anyway.”
They stopped smashing Jerry’s head.
“What’s going on up there Walter,” yelled Walt’s mom from downstairs.
“Nothing. Just practicing our breakdancing.”
“Alright you fuks,” said Jerry, “We’ll finish this level and then I’m heading home to study.”
Ralph pulled a short-sword out of his backpack and slammed it down on the table. “We’re done playing when I say we’re done playing.” He spun the sword so the business end pointed at Jerry.
“Alright. Well lets get back to the game. Walter, your character is essentially in a coma. It’s your move Ralph.”
“Call me Ladros.”
“OK Ladros, it’s your move.”
Ralph looked up to the sky held his finger up. He spoke in tongues for a couple seconds and pointed his finger at Walter. “The Great Ladros Ferramundo has decided to cast a spell of EVERLASTING MISERY ON ZAXXXOR!”
Walter’s face dropped. He leapt onto the table and kicked the short-sword to the floor. Jerry ran out of the room. Ralph flipped his chair back and ninja rolled to the window. He threw some metallic balls against the carpet and with a flash and a puff of smoke he jumped out onto the roof. Walter followed him outside wielding a pair of thief’s daggers. He stabbed at Ralph and connected. The blade didn’t go in.
“Too bad I’m wearing chain-mail you fuk!” yelled Ralph. He reached into his sock and pulled out a cat-o-nine-tails and swung it at Walter.
Walter put his left forearm up to block the chains but the tips slashed into his face. He was numb to the pain and advanced on Ralph. “You fukin dickhole. Want to try that again? Huh?” said Walter.
Ralph kept swinging at Walter. Something whistled through the air very close to Ralph’s head.
Jerry yelled up from the driveway. He had a crossbow aimed at them. “The game’s over assholes. You’re gonna have to find a new dungeon master. I hereby penalize both your characters by three levels. Say goodbye to your enchantment spells and your dexterity bonus.”
Ralph and Walter jumped to the lower roof and slid down onto the driveway. Jerry rode off on his cheap mountain bike.
Walter ran into the house. “Mom, can I use your keys?”
“What for son? I have to pick up your father in forty five minutes.”
“Me and Ralph are gonna beat the shit out of Jerry but he rode off on his bike.”
“That’s fine son. Just be careful.”
Walter grabbed the keys and ran outside. He and Ralph jumped into the mini van and skidded off after Jerry.
Jerry rode into the park at the library and climbed up a tree. He had a rope around the bike and was pulling it up. Something tapped his shoulder. He turned around. A short guy wearing a thick leather jumpsuit was standing on the branch above him.
“They’re gonna find you if you stay here,” said leather midget.
“Those two boys will find you and they will skin you alive. I have seen it. There is only one way to escape.”
“Who the fuk are you?”
“That should not be the most important thing on your mind right now. I can help you though, for five gold pieces.”
“I have seven dollars.”
“That will be enough,” said leather midget. He gave Jerry six sticks with screws on the end of them and climbed to the top of the tree.
Jerry started screwing the sticks together and formed a hexagon. He put his hand through the center and it disappeared. A second later he felt something velvety rubbing against his hand. He pulled it back out and stared at it. It still worked. He heard a car skid in the distance.
Walter drove the car onto the grass straight toward the tree.
“I can’t believe idiot left his cell phone turned on,” said Ralph. “We’re heading straight toward him.”
“I bet that squirt muncher is in that tree.” Walter gunned the engine.
Jerry hung the hexagon from a branch and put one of his legs through. The ground inside felt soft. Like he was stepping on a gymnasium mat. He eased his hip through and then his arm. The air was cold. He almost has his head through when he felt a tremendous pain in his dong. Something was pulling at his dick. He tried to force his waist back through the hole but couldn’t. Something tugged harder and pulled him all the way through. Jerry dropped to the ground. It was oily and flesh like. A strange creature was dragging him at a rapid pace. It looked like a block of fifty buttholes with the legs of a frog. His dick was stuck in one of the buttholes of what must have been the ass of the creature, but he wasn’t sure. Jerry turned around to see if the portal was there, but it had already collapsed. There were six sticks on the ground.
The walking butthole dragged him into a warm steamy cave and tied him to a Velcro wall. Jerry felt the crap in his pants oozing into his sock. The cieling lit up and a voice thundered from deep in the cave. “Jerry. Welcome to my lair. It is a true honor to have a dungeon master of your stature in my humble home. Soon your purpose will be revealed, but for now, enjoy the pleasures of my dancing nymphomaniacs.”
“AW FUK!” Korbold slammed his fist against the table.
“I’m sorry Korbold, but your character made the wrong move,” said Mandrake The Wise. “He’s stuck in Tangfire’s Grotto until you can roll an eighteen or above.”
“Hand me the dice!”