Fukin me an my brohog Lithium were fukin poundin the wizard piss. I'd crack a bottle and toss it down and fukin be flyin. Then Lith would power down two bottles. Then I slammed three. This went on for about twenty minutes and I had to stop. I was ripped out of my mind and seeing triples of everything. I went behind a tree to take a wizz and pulled out six dicks. Something moved on the ground. I jumped back, still taking a leak. A small crocodile turned to me and opened his eyes.
“Do you mind bub?” said the crocodile.
“Shit. Sorry. Just, me and my bud were drinkin wizard piss. I didn’t even see you there.”
“Yeah, that’s fine but would you mind splashing a little water on my back. That stuff stains.”
“No problem. I’ll go get some ice water from the cooler.” I went back to the picnic table and grabbed a sparkling diarrhea. Lithium threw down another six bottles and fell onto the grass.
“Lithium wake up. We gotta get out of here real quick.There’s a crocodile over there and he’s kind of grouchy.” I kicked Lithium and he wouldn’t wake up.
“Hurry up fukburger,” said the crocodile.
I poured the diarrhea on the crocodile’s back and washed off the piss marks. “How’s that?”
“You tell me. I haven’t seen my back in twenty years.”
“I’m the same way with the back of my head. Unless I’m on acid.”
“What’s up with your buddy?”
“Oh he’s wasted. He drank probably triple the amount as me.”
“Is there any left?” said the crocodile.
“Should be. We went to Costco. Help yourself.”
The croc and I went back to the piss and I cracked one open for him and poured it into his mouth. We spent the next two hours finishing it off.
“Man, I am fukked up.”
“Wizard piss creeps up on you.”
“Where’s this place you got it?”
“Why, you want some?” I said.
“Yeah. Take some back to the nest for my old lady.”
“Sure. I’ll stop by next time I’m going.”
We chilled for a while. I poked Lithium with a stick. He was still breathing. This was typical behavior for him. He’d probably wake up in an hour to drink more or smoke weed or snort something.
“You up for a little swamp taco?” said the crocodile.
“You mean beavsteak? I can’t say no. You know a brothel?”
“Fuk a brothel. I’m talking some serious back country humpin.”
“Course. I don’t have a whole lot of cash though.”
“Bro, you’re with me. My cousin runs the Biscuits & Trim.”
I hopped on the croc’s back and he swam out to the middle of the swamp. I took a deep breath and we dove down under a log jam. I was almost out of breath. I motioned for him that I had to go back to the surface, but he shook his head. A few seconds later we went through a hole and emerged in a giant shag carpet bubble.
There was a line of crocodile’s lined up at the counter. My bud and I walked to the front of the line. They let us right in. We went down a couple steps into the grand parlor.
“This is fukin tits. Any humans been here before?”
“Yep. Bruce Lee used to visit a lot.”
A chair platform lowered down from the ceiling. A huge visibly overweight crocodile was laying on his side smoking a waterpipe. He was tended to by a dozen or more seahorses.
“What’s up shitlungs?” said my buddy.
“What’s with the humanoid?”
“This here’s my buddy, what’s your name?”
“T-Bork Three Three,” I said.
“T-Bork,” said my buddy.
“Well alright brother what’s your pleasure?” said the big croc.
“This place is fukin sweet. How long has it been here?”
“About four hundred and seventy years. My pap built it.”
“How bout a couple of samplers,” said my bud.
“Have at it.” The big croc turned to one of his seahorses. “Show the humanoid around would you.”
A seahorse floated over and crawled into my pants. It pulled me into a small round room with ropes coming from the floor and the ceiling.
“Oh, I don’t do the bondage masochism stuff.”
“Don’t worry,” said the seahorse, “we’ll take care of you. Can you take your clothes off.”
I undressed and the seahorse exited. I stood there covering my jonsins with my hands. A hole in the floor opened up and two octopuses floated out.
“Can you tell me what you’re gonna do first?” I said.
They didn’t say anything and just kept floating around. A strange hollow sound came from them, like a toilet filled with mercury being flushed. Then one of them jumped on my head and the other attched to my butthole and felched next weeks turds out of my stomach. I keeled over and pulled it off my ass and therew it at the wall. Then a bunch of smaller doors opened and a school of suckerfish shot out and smoked my puds till they were swollen twice their normal inflated size. Then a gang of barnacles attached themselves to my nutsack and started digging in.
“Hey, my bullets are special,” I said. I tried to knock them off my nuts but they gripped on tighter.
Finally after what seemed like an hour they dropped off and swam away. I was on the floor trying to breathe. A beautiful quintuple-breasted mermaid came in through a door and sponged me down.
“You warmed up yet?” she said.
“I’m dusted, spent. Its gonna take five pounds of cashews and a gallon of Bragg Liquid Aminos for me to refill my ballsack.
“I don’t mean sex.” The mermaid laughed. “Are you ready for your massage?”
“Yeah, I guess. Though the sex left something to be desired.”
“You ordered the seafood sampler right?”
“Yeah. Was that a mistake?”
“Next time you should try the tuna melt.”