"All I can recommend is that you stop plowing those squirrels. Your dick is gonna fall off if you keep up this routine. It's just a matter of when. Now if you're still gonna fuck land mammals, despite everything we have talked about, then please wear protection. Next time you come in here with your ballsack clawed to bits will be the last time that I let you in this office." Dr. Jum Tannis put away his stethoscope and pressed the intercom. "Darlene, I need a prescription for Ferd. Yes, the usual."
Ferd jumped down from the examination table and put his shirt back on. "So level with me doc. You don’t want me fukin squirrels, marmots, badgers, otters, woodchucks, hamsters or voles? Well that still leaves mice, chipmunks, possum and tree frogs. I think I can live with that."
“Good, cause there’s not much more we can do for you here. Even then, I would recommend a piece of pvc or garden hose as a rubber.” Said Dr. Jum Tannis.
“I saw something on the news about a stunt dick…”
“I would certainly not recommend a stunt dick at this time. The technology has a long way to go.”
“They said some of the celebrities are using them already and that they are getting great results.”
“Well that’s news to me. I talked personally to Dr. Houston myself, we’re old golf buddies. His company is the one that certifies all the new prosthetics with the FDA. He said there are still substantial risks involved with the latest stunt dicks. Though he does expect that they will be ready by this time next year.”
“Doc, I can’t wait till next year. I’m all alone up there. It gets so boring some times. If I can just plow something on a regular basis I will be happy.”
“What ever happened to Mable or Grezzy?”
“You know how women are. They want more to life than sex and farming turnips.”
“Maybe you haven’t found the right women. Have you tried a service or the internet?”
“You mean HOOKERS?” said Ferd, “Disgusting! That’s the last thing I need. Some crack whore breakin my bed apart.”
“I don’t know what to say Ferd. My next client is waiting, so I’m gonna have to get over there. Take care of yourself. We’ll see you in six weeks.”
Dr. Jum closed the door behind him. Ferd looked out the window at the squirrel running along the power line. He put his shoes on and walked to the check out desk.
“So we’ll see you in six weeks, ok?” said Jasmeal. She scribbled something on a card and gave it to Ferd. “Here’s your prescription. Have a fukin tits day.”
“Oh I will,” said Ferd, “I will indeed.” Ferd was talking but his mind was on that squirrel. He put on his raincoat and went to his truck. He unlocked the door and pulled out his climbing rope and grappling hook. The squirrel was still there calling for him, enticing him, teasing him. Ferd threw the hook over the top of the power pole and climbed up to the top. He sprayed essence of acorn on his crotch and crawled along the power line toward the trees.
When he reached the end of the power line, he reached his hand down into a big hole in the tree. There was a squirrel in there all right, Ferd could smell the squirrel piss from ten feet away. He fiddled around and pulled on a lever. The hole dialated and opened big enough so that he could walk in. There was a ladder and a large arrow pointing up. Ferd climbed up the ladder into the inside of the tree.
He was two stories up in the tree and he could hear a large grumbling noise. It sounded like squirrels fuking. Ferd started climbing faster. The ladder opened into a big hall. There was a squirrel orgy going on. Ferd whipped out his dick, put on his squirrel suit and started fukin squirrels.
Everything was going fine until one of the squirrels recognized Ferd. “Hey, that ain’t no squirrel, that’s a humanoid,” it said.
“No I am not!” said Ferd. “I am just a lonely squirrel like yourself. I just need a little good clean powerfukin. So everybody, lets just get back to our orgy.”
The squirrels kept on fukin and plowin and pakin and humpin. Ferd was about to bust a nut for the fourteenth time when he felt something shoot up his ass. He turned around and there was a giant squirrel giving him the cornhole patrol.
“I ain’t gay, dammit,” said Ferd, “get yer curly dick out of my fukin ass or I’ll turn around and knock your block off.”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” said the giant squirrel, “you wouldn’t want to draw any unwanted attention. Not with three hundred angry squirrels after you.”
Then another giant squirrel walked in the door. “Well what do we have here?” said the second giant squirrel. “A little orgy, a little booze, good thing I brought the reefer. Hey Milt let me go a round on that squirrel.”
“This ain’t no squirrel, it’s a pesky human buttin’ his pecker in where it don’t belong. So I figured I’d teach him a thing about how us subspecies do the deed.”
“Well send him over to my room when you’re done with him. It’s been a long time since I drilled me one of them humans. Want to rip a doob?”
“Naw, I’m about to paste,” said the first giant squirrel.
Then he blasted a nut and Ferd blew up in a puff of wads.
“How’s that for a taste of your own medicine?” said the first giant squirrel.
“Ya gotta use that duct tape Milton, that’s what its there for,” said the second giant squirrel.
“Time to get stoned,” said the first giant squirrel.
They got stoned.