Sometimes I just want to crawl over the phone line and reach down someones ear, pull their dick inverted back through their mouth and yank their balls through so they hang out their eye sockets. I just got off the phone with Chase Credit Card, a guy name William (I can not give you his last name) pretended to help me. If there was a human connected to that voice, I can guarantee you he spends his off-hours playing pogie for the Elk’s Club. In fact, after snooping on the net, I found out that his claim to fame in high school was cornholing possum.
But enough William, let’s talk about poo. What is it about poo that can make me laugh for days. I saw a muscle car burning out in a pile of turkey shit yesterday. Last weekend I had to stop walking, I saw a cat spraying a garden gnome with worms. The gnome had dreadlocks when it was done. On new year's when we were getting drunk on my friend’s balcony, he launched bottle rockets out of a crusty dog turd. Last summer, when I was staying in New York, a guy was taking a shit on the only grass in two miles. I was watching through a pair of infared binoculars. As he was power splashing, a tapeworm crawled out from some sleeping bum’s ass and straight up the shitting guy’s loaf choker.
I don’t mention these things to impress you, only to impress upon you the importance of keeping a positive outlook on the fine art of shitting. You’re gonna shit every day for the rest of your life. You might as well get good at it. Who knows, you may get good enough to get paid to shit on glass plates in Thailand. Or, if you can really launch a squirrely dump, you may be called upon by the president of Bairog to perform for the royal speed felching championships in Lamb Dick.
I committed myself to these esoteric and taboo arts when I was just a youngster. My earliest memory of dungblast is this story which I have shared before:
When I was little I wore pajamas with the foot bootie attached. One morning I proudly crapped my pants and the log rolled down my leg. I stepped on that log all day, every time I walked, until my mom finaly discovered it.
Well that’s enough about poo, lets talk about pee.