“Now that I’m out of rehab it’s time to get laid,” said Harv. Harvey had been in a clinic for two weeks for his addiction to hookers and strip clubs.
“You better not,” said Madge, his mom, while they drove home in her Buick. “Your father, rest his soul, and I paid good money to get you into rehab, and you want to go out and spear some strumpet. Harvey, I can’t believe you.”
“I was just joking Mom. What I really need is a good strong cup of coffee. The splosh they serve in there must come from the waste treatment plant. I think the chef pisses in the muesli so he doesn’t have to walk to the bathroom.”
“Harvey, I don’t want to hear any of this. We’re gonna get you home, get you a nice bowl of soup and you can read a book and think about your disease.”
“It’s not a disease Mom. It’s an addiction. A disease is bad for one’s health. Pumpin hookers is good for one’s health. I mean look at my abs, all flab. When I’m packin regularly I got a six pack, my skin looks good, my balls aren’t hanging down to my ankles aching with desire. In fact drop me off at Stankville, I’m hungry.”
“Oh Argus if you’re listening. Listen to what your son is saying. Please make him stop. I know he doesn’t mean it.”
“Dad can’t hear you Mom,” said Harv. “He’s dead. Gone. I’m the man of the house now and I need some action. You better lock up the guinea pig cause I’m getting randy.”
“Harvey, you stop this instant or you’re gonna be walking home!”
“Let’s see, how many brothels are there on the way home? Let me count.”
“That’s it.” Madge pulled the car over and waited.
Harv just sat there. After a second he pulled out his pud. “It’s ok Nelson, we’ll get you something real soon. I know you’re hungry.”
Harv holstered his pud and opened the car door. He got out and walked to the back and tapped the trunk twice. Madge popped the trunk. Harv pulled his pud back out and stuffed it into the tail pipe.
“You almost done back there?” said Madge. The car started shaking. “Oh no you’re not! Oh no you’re not!” Madge got out of the car and ran to the back.
Harv gave it one more swift pump and then collapsed on the street. Madge pulled him away from the car and covered his pud with a scarf. She picked up here phone and called the clinic.