Gary drove his tractor over the rows of cabbage. He loved cabbage. He loved everything about it. Gary remembered the day he made love to his first cabbage. He saw the cabbage from across the country store. It was staring at him. He felt his chump pulsating. Gary grabbed the cabbage, picked up an apple corer and went into the back of the store. He twisted a hole into the cabbage and then pumped the cabbage till it fell apart. He blasted paste over it as it fell shredded onto the floor. And that’s how coleslaw was invented.

Margaret walked down to the post office with eighteen dildos tied to a rope. She entered the post office and said hello to Bull the postmaster. Bull opened the door to the back room and let Margaret through. Margaret set up the dildos evenly spaced on the floor, sharp end up. She balanced a golf ball on the tip of each one. Bull pulled out a #4 driver and set up near the first dildo. Margaret blew two short bursts on a whistle. Bull whipped the driver in a nice arc and pounded the golf ball into the wall. Margaret farted. And that’s how the golf tee was invented.

Herb liked to play his guitar on the beach. He sat on a small pile of driftwood and strummed the strings imagining a fancy woman with two butt holes was dancing in front of him. Herb closed his eyes as tightly as he could and tuned out everything except the rhythmic pulse of the surf and his own guitar. He cleared his mind until all he could see was white and as thin wisp of smoke floating towards him. The smoke started to circle around and around. Then it formed a figure eight and started growing. Gary focused harder and the smoke turned into a woman. The woman turned around to face Gary and blew him a kiss. Then she turned and bent over and hosed two greasy stream of diarrhea smoke out her dueling rectums. And that’s how two butt holes were invented.

Mr. Loomis was just your average garage mechanic. He was very good at his job. Everyone in town trusted Mr. Loomis with their motor vehicle. Beth, the bank owner’s wife, brought in their Range Rover to be serviced. There seemed to be a problem with the brakes. It sounded like there was a rock stuck in the right rear brake drum. Mr. Loomis told Beth to leave it overnight. He let her borrow the loaner car. When Beth drove off Mr. Loomis drove the Range Rover onto the lift and raised it up. She was correct. There was a rock stuck in the right rear brake drum. Mr. Loomis pulled off the drum and cleaned out the debris and then reassembled the brake. Everything was fixed. Mr. Loomis lowered the Range Rover and opened a bottle of cheap champagne. He put on a nice record and danced around the garage. The record ended and Mr. Loomis was out of champagne. The store was already closed so there was no alcohol available nearby. In his frustration of the night cut short, Mr. Loomis pressed the champagne flute onto the end of his dick and then stuffed it repeatedly into the tailpipe of the Range Rover. And that’s how the glass-pack muffler was invented.


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